Confessions
by babytakeyourmeds
Summary: After the tearful yet beautiful moment in the elevator, what happened between Tony and Ziva? A one shot describing a small conversation between them that night. Spoilers up to Swan Song.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they all belong the the greatest people ever, the inventors of NCIS.**

**Authors note: Okay, I'm back after a really long while. I watched Swan Song and I just had to write this. So, this is just a simple discussion and confessing time taking part between Tony and Ziva. English is not my first language, so be patient if there are some mistakes. I try my best.**

**Contains spoilers to NCIS episode 8x23 Swan Song**

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><p>Drops of the liquid drink slowly fell down the side of the bottle. She apparently didn't know what else to do, so she just kept staring them, running her eyes up and down the bottle, chasing the patterns formed by the drink. He kept quiet too; maybe he didn't know what to say, or maybe he just wasn't sure if he should say what he wanted.<p>

Her face was still red and swallowed as an effect of all the crying. He had seen her cry before, but never this much. It was like she was crying away all the pain that had ever come to her way, all the wrong things that had happened to her or anyone close to her. Abby's sobbing and McGee's silent tears seemed to have made her cry even harder. As far as he remembered, the tears hadn't stopped and slowly dried until they were in his car driving to her place.

Even though seeing her that emotional was hard for him, he had insisted on driving her home tonight. She had been, and for his knowledge still was a sobbing mess, and he didn't see any point in abandoning her to the night. She hadn't said much, only a shy "thank you" when he had offered to drive her home. He hadn't spoken much either, because no matter how macho he was trying to be, tears were silently running down his face too. He knew she had noticed them and that she didn't care, but he still preferred not to make a number out of his tears.

He had been the one inviting himself in; not that she had shown any refuse. He had been the one finding the bottle of tequila from her kitchen, and the one pouring the drinks into the glasses. She had just sat in silence, slowly drinking the drink he had poured for her.

He was almost frightened when she suddenly spoke.

"How are we supposed cope with this? Someone always dying or getting hurt, and the bad guys always running away? How are we supposed to do it, just go on?" she asked with her voice thin because of all the crying. He didn't even know what to say. What could he possibly say after her horrifying, yet so realistic question? Hell, even he didn't have the answer. He ended up with the same answer he had given her earlier.

"We're going to get him, Ziva" he said, not completely sure if he even believed his own words. He almost added "I promise", but he didn't want to give away empty promises, not to her.

"Stop saying that! You can't be sure. How on earth could you be?" she asked with a tone that wasn't so weak anymore. He was quiet for a while.

"No", he finally said. "I can't be sure. But I'm hell sure I want to get him. And McGee wants, and Gibbs and I know you do…"

"I don't know what I want anymore", she said. She made it sound almost like she was only talking to herself and he wasn't sure how to go on with the conversation. Then he just decided to ask the biggest question that had been forming in his mind since the discussion in the elevator.

"Do you want to quit?"

She was silent for a very long time. He could easily see that she had been totally surprised by the way he was asking her that, like it was nothing, just a normal everyday question. Of course it wasn't that for him. Like he could ever go back to work normally, if he knew that she wouldn't be there. She took a deep breath.

"I don't know. I really don't. Right now I feel like quitting would be the best option…" he opened his mouth to say something but she went on "but I don't think that it's what I want at the end."

"Hmm… I really don't think that running away is the best option. You are Ziva David, a real ninja! You never run away" he said, and tried to smile a little, but the emotion sort of got lost in the way, and his whole face staid almost blank.

"I'm not that strong anymore. Tony, I really want to be, but something is sucking my powers away. When I heard about Franks tonight, it all just fell apart. I feel like everything is changing. I thought Mike Franks would be something that could never go away. He was… Family, a tough bastard, annoying as hell, but permanent." Then she turned her face down and added with a voice he almost didn't hear: "All I wanted was something permanent."

"I know you did, I know. And hear me Ziva, I am saying this again; we will get him. We know who he is, we have everyone chasing him. He won't be able to escape anymore. We will catch that son of a bitch."

"Sometimes I really hate being an agent," she said quietly. Hi sighed.

"I know. Me too" he replied keeping his eyes on her even when she wasn't looking at him but the table. Then he spoke again:

"When Kate died, I almost quit. I never told anyone about it, no way, but the idea was in my head. Within just minutes of thinking I even reached the point where I completely had planned how I would just drive away instead of going to work, and be gone for so long they would have to find a replacement for me. But then I woke up. Leaving wouldn't solve the problem; it would only make it worse. How could I ever catch that son o…" he stopped, because he suddenly remembered that he was telling all this to Ari's sister.

"…That person who killed Kate, if I wasn't at work. I took it as my mission. And even though it wasn't long until we caught him, that "mission" kept me from driving away during those hours. I hope… I hope you can find something like that, and stick to it. Stick to being an agent. Because the truth is, that by losing you from our team now, we may never catch him." And the truth was that by losing her, he would never know how to go on. He didn't say it out loud, because there was so much on her mind right now, and he didn't want to add anything that would make her more confused.

He had never shared this story with anyone. Not even Gibbs knew how close quitting his senior field agent had once gone. But that had been then, and even when the thought had come back crawling when Jenny had died, it had been a lot of easier for him to suffocate it before it had completely filled his mind. He didn't even know why he had told it to Ziva. He wasn't big on sharing personal stories, especially least when he was on his weakest. But he needed to get her to understand that she wasn't alone.

She studied his face, and he noticed the whole scale of expressions going by her face. She didn't say anything, just stared and stared. Then she took a deep breath and stood up.

"Tony. I appreciate it that you came here tonight and listened to me. That meant so much to me. But it's late and I know you need sleep and I could try to have some too. So if you don't mind, I'd ask you to leave now" she said and refused to look into his eyes no longer.

Her words were a bit of a surprise to him; he had been opening up to her, and all the sudden she wanted him to leave. But on the other hand he understood. There must have been some many things right now she needed to think, and not even Tony's advices could make it any easier for her tonight. He had done all he could, now all he could do was wait for her to clear her head.

Politely he stood up and walked to the door. He didn't want to leave this here, he didn't want to leave her there, but he had no choice. With a crushing feeling in his chest he opened the door and stepped to the hallway. He had almost closed the door when she spoke.

"Thank you" she said with a shy voice.

"Thank _you_" he said and smiled a little. It was the first smile he had given anyone since Mikes death, and even when it had only been hours, it felt almost strange to his face.

"And Tony…" she said, still refusing to meet his eyes.

"Yes?"

"If you had quit then, we would have never met." He cocked his head to right a little; he had no idea what this had to do with anything.

"I just wanted to let you know, that I'm" she was clearly doing a lot to find the right words. "Happy you decided to stay after all", and with that she pulled the door shut in front of his face, leaving him to the hallway all alone, confused but happy. Maybe she would find something to stick on after all. Maybe, he thought in the back of his mind, maybe the reason for her to stick being an agent would be him. Maybe, it would all work out.

**Here it is, press that button that says "review" and tell me what you think =) - Mimi**


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